Day 28: Full Moon - My Reality

DDDDDDDDeeeetooooooxxx.

gurgling, bubbling, cramping belly.

Smelly, stinky farts.

bowel movements = nasty swamp water

disgusting.

wonderful.

blister on the tip of my tounge

and the breakouts...

all of my clothes are too big.

my ass is gone.

I'm tired.

crabby

sad.

content.

enlightened.

My face looks haggard.

all I want is oj, oj, oj and more oj with greens and spirulina.

I'm on top of things, yet

always running behind.

I feel left out

I am totally connected.

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Maybe the full moon is amplifying my detox symptoms. That's fine with me. I looooove detox. I really do! I've been thinking a lot about Duality. I have a book by Andreas Mortiz, Lifting the Veil of Duality. I got it about a year ago and only read the first 70 pages. I think it's time to finish. It was also almost exactly 1 year ago that I read his wonderful book Timeless Secrets of Health and Rejuvenation. Although not a book about raw, he has a lot of great information and it was a great book for me to get started and refer to. It was actually exactly one year ago because I remember finishing it cover to cover during my flights to and from California to visit one of my best friends (Hi Sheena, I miss you!! Happy Easter!!)

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Apparently everyday you juice feast reverses your body by 120 days. According to that belief, I am about 15/16 right now. This age was first time I ever started to care or worry about my body. I was a rail-thin, extremely athletic little kid so I never worried about what I ate or cared what I looked like - as long as I got to ride bikes and play outside I was happy. I remember when I was 16 or so I ate half a box of girl scout cookies and felt terrible. I went to the bathroom and tried to make myself throw up. I couldn't do it.

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By the end of my Sophomore year in college I had gained a little weight . It was the result of a football type lifting regimen (I still have no idea what our strength coaches were thinking - we were divers, not linemen!!) eating junk, eating late at night, and partying waaaay too much. My weight yo-yoed around all through college. At times I was ubre fit and super toned and then usually during the off season I was out of shape and hung over...

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My dieting was always innocent enough and I was very good about getting into shape when I needed to. By accident, my last semester of college I developed a serious eating disorder. I say 'by accident' because I actually never intended on going on a diet! I was broke and living in the basement of an old house, working to earn my 5th year athletic scholarship and trying desperately to graduate and get the heck out of there! Most of my closest friends had already graduated in the spring... One thing lead to another and before you know it, I was barely consuming 800 calories a day. I was riding my bike and being fairly active and so the weight dropped rapidly. I lived in denial and said it was because I was not diving or lifting anymore. The truth? I was suffering. Punishing myself for not graduating, not being perfect. Grasping for some kind of control over my life. I told myself I was just getting ready for the intense training I would be doing again after graduation (I had been invited to move to Texas to train with an internationally renowned Olympic diving coach). My mom was worried about me and I'm sure other people were too but I refused to talk about it. It was about this time that I became a vegetarian. Look how many calories I'll save by omitting meat...

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I struggled with disordered eating patterns for about 2 years after that. I did it all; laxatives, binging/purging, abusing diet pills, starving, you name it - and all while trying to earn a spot on the US National Diving Team.

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I've been doing a tremendous amount of reflection regarding this part of my life. The first few weeks of juice feasting really shot me back into that disordered eating realm. The pain, the forced abstinence from food - it haunted me just like it did years ago. It was all right at the surface - deal with me!! - and so I have been :)

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This is my reality. That was/is a part of my life and who I am. I haven't shared this story with even my closest friends. Why share it now???

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Who cares!

I'm sick of carying the burden and keeping the secret

This is me.

This is my reality.

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The fact is, I am grateful. I am grateful to have gone through my experiences with disordered eating. So many young girls and women struggle through similar experiences. If they only knew about RAW FOOD!!! My eating disorder lead me to veganism, which lead me to fruitarianism, which lead to me raw foods, which has now lead me to juice feasting. I am eternally grateful for the foods I eat now. I am so GRATEFUL for the crisp leaves of lettuce and the creamy avocados that fill my mouth with pleasure and feed my body with amazing nutrition. I am grateful for the glorious sun, the amazing mineral-rich soil, and pure water that gives birth to these amazing foods. I am grateful for OJ! Orange Juice is like liquid GOLD! I am so glad that my suffering has lead me to a life where I have pure satisfaction, pleasure, and gratitude every time I sit down to a beautiful raw meal.

It's hard to believe that was me. Starving myself, counting calories, hating myself BUT it lead me to the amazing reality that I am living now. I feel so present. I am right here, right NOW, and I am not ashamed. I am proud, thankful, blessed.

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It's always a little nerve-wracking to share an experience like this with the world. I contemplated deleting this post but like I said, this is my reality. Please don't pass judgement. I'm still me, the same Linda you've been reading about on this blog for the past year. I'm human, just like you and I have my strengths and weaknesses too. I am a woman, constantly exposed to social pressures to be something I am not. I'm just a girl in the world...

Thanks for listening.

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This girl is getting really excited about starting a yoga routine! I've got the amazing Rodney Yee's: AM/PM Yoga, and Yoga Burn. I've never been too into Yoga -I furthered my back injury during a week of intensive Bikram Yoga - but it is calling my name right now. I'll let you know what I think about the DVDs.

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This will be me, still doing yoga on the street at 120yrs old :)

This lady is awesome!

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She probably drinks lots of juice!