Lost

I'm not really sure where to begin. I feel lost, uneasy, uncertain, nervous, disappointed, defeated... There is so much internal NOISE.

Forget affirmations, maybe I should try just being civil to myself. I am exhausted after days upon days of mental beatings. To tell you all the truth, I've not gone about the juice feast breaking protocol properly and I've had hell to pay for it. There is a juice feast breaking protocol for a reason! I guess I got so wrapped up in the hype of banana man's return that I threw reason out the window and decided to do things my own way. That was a stupid decision! I am paying for my mistakes now. I feel so uncomfortable, easily angry and irritated and I know all of it comes from a body in shock from working quadruple overtime.

I am really very disappointed in myself. I juiced for 65 days and then in two weeks have wreaked such havoc on my body that I feel like a completely different person. I am supposed to be the teacher, showing other people the way. How could I have made such a huge mistake?

I got carried away. Today I found myself eating unconsciously, make that OVER-eating. For no reason. I was not hungry, not hungry at all. Just eating for the sake of eating. Perhaps emotional eating? I am going through a large transition with Banana Man moving in. That is a big change for me and the first time I have lived with someone I am dating. I also really, really enjoy my alone time. I like the stillness and quiet so it is a huge adjustment to always have someone here!

I've also had the most INTENSE cooked food cravings. At the beginning it was hummus then cous cous and then before you know it I am just nibbling on whatever is around. I seriously can't believe I've done that. I've eaten things that I would never even consider in the past. When I used to hear about other people yo-yoing between cooked food and raw, I always thought it was strange. I never had the desire and here I am after a 65 day juice feast nibbling on cooked bites!

Beyond the physical act of eating, I feel spiritually DULL. My mind is scattered and I feel out of the groove as I've said before. I feel like I was a bright shiny star on the juice feast and now I am a dull lamp post. I feel like I missed the wave and I am being tousled underwater, straining for air.

I go back and forth everyday, 'should I go back to juicing?' Then I think to myself, 'no I've got some lovely avocados that I want to eat' or something ridiculous like that. The addiction to food is STRONG, and I thought I got over all of that during the feast?! Am I going to start juicing again? I would like to. For an undetermined amount of time. And when I am done, I want to break the feast in the proper way so that 1) I can feel good about myself 2) I can stay mineralized 3) so my spirit stays bright like a star and not dim like an old lamp post and 4) so I can ride the wave not get pummeled by it!